RETURN TO HOMEPAGE

I’m gonna see Transformers: Dark of the Moon.

I’m gonna go to the local IMAX theater, wait in line and pay $16- $20 opening weekend.

I have no escape from this fate, and neither do you.

We’re F’d.

Why? Because no one wants to see it on the “small” screen, even if that means 42” LED 3D HDTV. This is a Summer blockbuster popcorn movie event! How can anyone miss it?

What’s stoked our excitement? The Superbowl 30-second preview of course. It got us totally wet.

We’re so hard up for this movie now that our emotions have overloaded the logic centers of our brains. We’re not just not thinking straight, we’re not thinking at all.

So let’s take a cold shower, let’s override the reptilian instinctive core of our brain and control its primitive impulses and primal desires with our recently evolved neocortex.

And let’s not be douches about it, right? Let’s not get all elitist-turtleneck-French-black-and-white-movie-snobby cheap shotting another easy-target-for-ridicule-Michael-Bay-project.

This is just a fun blow-em-up-action-distraction, right? I mean, what kind of too-much-time-on-his-hands-party-pooper-hasn’t-been-laid-yet-loser would waste time ripping it a new a#*hole? We know it’s not gonna be smart, but will be CGI awesome. Isn’t that enough?

No. It’s not.

Let’s have some self-respect, some balls, some courage and just make a stand: there’s NO reason why these stories can’t be better. After 100+ years of making hundreds of movies a year, Hollywood 2011 should be pumping out Oscar masterpieces in every genre every weekend.

The standout commercial of Superbowl 42 centered on the seductive stare of Victoria’s Secret model Adriana Lima.

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Both ads target the primal pleasure centers of the brain. Research has shown the only words spoken by viewers during each commercial have been, “I so wanna hit that.”

For Superbowl 45 it was the CGI porn of Transformers: Dark of the Moon that got everyone’s blood pumping.

Enough has been said about the “look” of Starscream and the other Transformers, but how about the characterization? Let’s be honest, the cartoon version is wayyy more interesting. Why? Because he’s got motivation and personality! He’s not just a cool looking plane, jet, bot, spiderface thingy.

Question: So, what do we want from Transformers: Dark of the Moon?

Answer: Some improvement.

Let’s start with an objective for both the Autobots and Decepticons. What do they each want? And as a result, what’s at stake?

Then, let’s FINALLY watch some soap opera scenes with robots. Establish their characters and let them fight for what they want.

Ease back on the comedy and bootyformers. Of course there are going to be funny moments, but let’s not have another sneak-around-the-house sequence to waste 10 minutes because the script doesn’t have anything better to offer. And, while it’s nice to look at 70 foot close ups of Maxim Magazine cover girls, it gets annoying when over done. Take a look at your top ten movies of all time. Hotties can have personalities and actually add to the story.

Is it really THAT difficult to make this into a real movie instead of just an ILM highlight reel?

Question: If Pixar, James Cameron, Sam Raimi, David Fincher, Peter Jackson, Bryan Singer, John Favreau or any number of well rounded filmmakers had been in charge here, would these movies have been better?

Answer: Yes.

Why are we going back in time for the third installment?

Transformers has always been about sh*t looking cool, but not really meaning anything story/character-wise.

Didn’t toying with here’s-the-real-story-behind-historic-events get old with Forrest Gump?

Each of the first two Transformers movies have used this narrative gambit. First it was the Hoover Dam, built to contain Megatron. Then it was The Great Pyramids, built to hide a sun-destorying weapon. Now...the “Dark of the Moon!”...yawn.

Instead of rewriting and spinning Human history, how about defining that of the Transformers! By focusing on events of Earth’s past, the filmmakers avoid doing backstory work on the should-be-main-characters of this franchise -the robots!

But let’s just give in. Let’s just accept it.

Let’s just F it and go with this new set up. No matter how punch-ourselves-in-the-face-annoyed we are that YET AGAIN a Transformers movie is going to spend 30 minutes setting up a new story with the same barely developed characters.

Stock footage. Where’s Forrest Gump?

Again, looks great.

...for 40 years...and 2 movies.

Before doing that, let’s ask, “What’s the dream of Optimus Prime?” Has he shared his hopes, his objective as an inspirational leader, at any point over the 5 distracted unfocused hours that is the Transformers saga thus far?

How about Megatron? As a fear-inducing leader of the enemy has he stated his goals? What does he want to achieve?

What’s the word we’re looking for? Oh, yeah...FAIL!

Okay, now that we got that out of our logic system, let’s see what the story is.

So, back in 1969 Neil Armstrong and the rest of the gang came across an alien ship! That is so...been there done that (2001: A Space Odyssey), but okay, whatever, it’s enough to get us interested enough to justify more close-up-what-is-going-on-machine-gears-grinding-fighting.

Ouch, ouch...logic brain self-destructing! Fighting to regain control of consciousness. Wining, losing, wining....win...okay, let’s think about this again.

WHY wasn’t any of this mentioned in the first two movies!? If this-is-an-easy-paycheck-John-Turturro-Men-in-Black character knows of the alien secrets, then why didn’t he share that earlier? Why is this coming out now?

Because, again, there’s no bigger robot centered mythology, so the filmmakers focus on the wrong characters and come up with watch-me-pull-a-story-rabbit-out-of-my-ass idea.

They’re keeping secrets! OMG!

Hey, it’s that one news dude? Dan Rather?

That looks awesome...again.

Normally, I’m a fan of this kind of secret history stuff. The teaser preview is interesting enough, but it’s just so lazy. Okay, throw in some stock footage, okay go to Borders (before they close all their locations due to bankruptcy) and pick up The Top 50 Conspiracies of All Time, watch a few episodes of The X-Files, ask, “What would Stanley Kubrick do?” and mash it all together with Bay’s ADD camera skills.

And, let us just call this out: the discovery of the alien ship on the Moon is basically a rip off of Ridley Scott’s Alien. Like, it’s not even TRYING to hide the visual similarities.

Most of us have seen the “good” Alien movies (parts 1 & 2), but we’re so overwhelmed with smartphone-every-minute-app-news-updates-drowning-in-a-sea-of-info-overload that our memories are mush; a multi-shadowed overlay of echoes of impressions of deja vu disorientation buried on top of layer after layer of data trash too confusing to sift through.

Picasso once said, “Bad artists copy, good artists steal.” Martin Scorsese steals camera angles from his favorite movies all the time, same thing with Tarantino and De Palma, but they add to and transform to make the old new, to redefine.

When it’s copying instead of slick theft (kindly called “homage”) it turns into a play on the subconscious for recognition, for familiarity, for that this-feels-safe-nastolgia that leads to easy box office dollars. Maybe that’s being to harsh, right? I mean if Ridley Scott set the standard for space/horror/sci-fi imagery, then just imitate instead of invent.

I mean, it’s not like we want artists to be creative, right?

“Hey Huston, are we in the wrong movie?”

“A, that’s a negative Eagle. You’re in Transformers: Dark of the Moon, it just looks a lot like Alien. Over.”

“Roger that, uh, now it seems like we’re in the opening scene of Aliens when that salvage crew finds Ripley alive. Over.”

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Here’s the original, now top it.

And top this.

And this.

Ridely Scott had it easy, there was no Alien before he made it. Oh, what’s that? 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Oh, yeah, there’s that genre-defining example of super balls-out creative freedom filmmaking.

THAT’S what Ridley had to deal with when he was making Alien! How did he make space travel and confined space horror fresh after Stanley Kubrick threw down the Gandalf you-shall-not-pass-challenge to all future movie makers?

He got creative. Crazy, right?

“Copy that Eagle, yeah, and now you’re back in Alien again. Let’s face it, this whole sequence is a mashup of Alien and Aliens. Stop complaining and get on with the mission. Over.”

Hmmmm...does this mean anything anymore?

We get it, we get it, this shot looks F’n awesome.

This makes me sad. Is Spielberg just loaning out his name for a payday, or does he even read the script?

They discover...Bumblebee’s grandfather?

Don’t look! Don’t get hypnotized!

Whatever this title means. Oh, and make sure to put Bay’s name on it again. Cause, that makes us want to see it.

The most important part of the preview. Transformers in 3D. Now they have us. We get to see sh*tty storytelling in a new dimension!

Who to blame part 1.

Who to blame part 2.

It’s not clear if that was the screenwriters being influenced or the director, either way, art is an evolving process and all movies add to the DNA sequence of the larger orgainism that is cinema and the celluloid genetics of Planet of the Vampires and Alien can’t be denied.

Come on, without being mean, Bay is no Nolan....when it comes to storytelling.

Because of The Dark Knight’s reputation and Nolan’s previous work, we knew Inception was gonna bring it in every way. The story would be interesting (I didn’t say original, because that’s another example of a movie that’s been “influenced” by a ton of previous films), the characters engaging and overall, the effect on the audience, emotional.

If a preview reveals too much story we’re annoyed, if too little we’re enraged. What’s the balance?

It seems to come down to the promise of a great movie experience, usually genre+story, and our belief in the filmmaker’s ability to deliver.

Inception’s preview could have been the Hans Zimmer loud BOOOMing music and an image of DiCaprio staring at a spinning top for 2 minutes (it kind of was) and I’d be in all because it’s a Nolan film.

For an unknown director and an unbranded story, more explanation is required, more trust needs to be built.

When it comes to Transformers we know what we’re getting and that’s what’s being advertised.

It’s sort of refreshing. There’s no bullsh*t. We know the filmmakers can’t make an emotional story work with this franchise. After two attempts, we’ve seen the best of what they have to offer. The main question to ask is, “Why do we keep expecting more?” It’s like we’re in a relationship with a cheater and we’ve caught them in the act twice before. Each time they say, “I’ll change. It was a one time thing. It’ll never happen again.” And we keep giving them ANOTHER chance! Why? Remember, fool me once, your fault. Fool me twice, my fault. Fool me three times, I might require legal guardianship because I’m incapable of making sound decisions on my own. Please check for brain damage.

This “teaser” preview sets up a backstory. Something about the Transformers being discovered 40 years ago, the government knowledge of them, and...what? They’re working together? But, again - LOGIC BRAIN TAKING OVER - WHY??? wasn’t that mentioned at ANY point during the first two movies? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s so absurd. This backstory set up is ridiculous. Please, please Superbowl spot, give us something to believe in. Give us a sign, a little sliver of hope that there’s something more than what you’ve already shown us.

Who to blame part 3.

Nope.

It’s the same old, same old.

Apparently, the genre money shot of the movie is a climatic battle in a city. Uh, wait, wasn’t what happened at the end of the first installment?

No, but this one is gonna be even better! Bigger! And, has a story that focuses on the humanity...at least according to Shia LaBeouf:

Looks cool. A city is destroyed.

“There’s going to be a lot of death, human death. This time they’re targeting humans. It’s going to be the craziest action movie ever made, or we failed.”

Wait, what? THAT’s how the third movie is going to get more character based? By having a bigger body count with MORE action? Interesting, especially when considering Shia’s thoughts on Revenge of the Fallen:

“We tried to get bigger. It’s what happens to sequels. It’s like, how do you top the first one? You’ve got to go bigger. Mike went so big that it became too big, and I think you lost the anchor of the movie. You lost a bit of the relationships. Unless you have those relationships, then the movie doesn’t matter. Then it’s just a bunch of robots fighting each other.”

So how is making the, “Craziest action movie ever made,” getting back to character relationships? Especially when considering this thought of Shia’s:

“When I saw the second movie, I wasn’t impressed with what we did. There were some really wild stunts in it, but the heart was gone.”

How does more human death, more action equal more heart? Sounds like great political double talk designed to throw us off.

Here’s what’s gonna happen.

The crappy pilot who crashed the robot shipped into the “Dark of the Moon” is awakened by Neil Armstrong and NASA. He was a scout for some super bad evil faction force group somewhat related to the Transformers, sent many years ago to survey the planet. When Neil finds grandpaformer, he boots up and sends a beacon signal, which travels twenty years and contacts the bad guys. They take off and head for Earth. Twenty years later, here we are, present day with Sam and Optimus hanging out.

Optimus and the gang realize the “ancient ones” or the “deadly ones” or the “ones made up for this thrid movie” are close to Earth and they can’t be reasoned with, can’t be bargained with, they don’t feel pain or emotion and they absolutely will not stop until we, the human race, are dead. Hey, if they’re going to steal a speech, why not steal from the best?

At this point John Turturro shows up, working in...a circus? Why not, it could lead to some wacky comedy. If dogs humping and peeing were funny in the first two movies, it’s gonna be hilarious to see an Elephant take a sh*t on Men in Black C.I.A. dude. No, wait, it’ll be a TRANFORMING elephant! We haven’t seen that before! So, he NOW decides to reveal another secret: THE DARK OF THE MOON SECRET!

Why is Sam the key to the solution this time?

Wait a minute! I unlocked the code! 7+1+11 = 19, as in $19 per ticket for IMAX 3D! This isn’t a notification of the release date, it’s an insider message to Story Corp. from Story Corp.

Looks cool, again.

Looks cool, again, again.

Let’s guess, Bumblebee still can’t talk?

Everyone listens as he finishes by saying, “When they arrive, the Earth...will...go...dark.” Then Sam is given the cube, or touches something and starts having visions, or gets a robot STD from Arcee that empowers him with the skills to taken down the Dark of the Moon robots, blah, blah, blah logic-don’t-need-that-just-as-long-as-Sam-has-a-reason-to-be-involved-in-the-action.

There’s a total lack of dramatic scenes between Decepticons and Autobots so we never learn the reasons behind their actions, nor are able to discern their identities which would enable us to care about them during chaotic battle sequences. That doesn’t matter right? I mean, it’s not like the filmmakers here could learn a lesson from the WWE when it comes to creating emotional stakes between wrestlers OUTSIDE of the ring so that when they fight IN the ring the puches mean something and the audience has a reason to cheer. No, that’s just stupid and childish fantasizing.

Another great example of how to make bullets and blow-em-ups matter can be found in Saving Private Ryan. The opening battle is an attack on the senses, not on the emotions. We don’t know who anybody is during the beaches of Normandy attack. It’s an overload in terms of our minds being able to process the horror and courage and tragedy, but we don’t really care about anyone yet.

Then there’s the final battle, which, for me, is even better because it means something and we feel even more because now we know all the people involved. As each solider dies, as they show their courage, as they barely escape we feel it along with them. And, when private Ryan is saved, we feel the accomplishment.

Are we going to expect that here? Are we going to celebrate with Sam? With Optimus? Cheer when Megatron is defeated? Root when the Dark of the Moon People are turned away? Probably not. We’ll just nod our heads and say, “That was cool, oh, look, I finished my popcorn.”

Of course there will be new Transformers that will look great transmorphing, but we won’t know who they are, why they’re here and what it all means. But, hey, at least it’ll be in 3D!

What about the new bootyformer? Megan Fox 2.0? Oh, yeah, um...she’s hot. What else? Can she act? L.O.L. Do we even care about that? What about her character? L.O.L. Man, haha, that’s a good one.

How disappointing that this series didn’t build towards a Unicron culmination here. It’s not like the filmmakers didn’t expect to make money. Why not write a Lord of the Rings style triology? Oh, because Bay is in charge and he’s not a storyteller. I’m not hating, it’s the truth. Each installment is treated like a car commercial: make it flashy, no substance, just dazzle.

So, here’s what’s gonna happen in 2013 - REBOOT!

Go to Vegas right now and put all of your money on it now. After Spider-Man Redux makes another $300 million it’s gonna be so on. And, it’ll be so perfect for the new filmmakers because they’ll get to drop blurbs like, “Bay broke new territory with the original trilogy. He was a trailblazer. Unfortunately, when discovering something for the first time, the road there can be bumpy and unpredictable. Now we know what worked and what didn’t and that’s why this reboot is going to be so great. We have a chance to make things right for the fans and the series.”

“...And we have another way to make another 2 billion dollars over the course of the next 6 years.”

Ahhhhhhhhh! Somebody make it stop!

That might be the new Story Corp. paradigm: adapt an established property, a brand, and do it badly ON PURPOSE! The curiosity and fanboy factor will bring in box office to the first installment. The Obsessive Compulsive Sequel Disorder will drive everyone to see the second and third horrible installments and then the announcement of a reboot with a big named well trusted filmmaker will be announced shortly after. We love a comeback, we love redemption and without realizing it, we’ll rationalize paying for the reboot. Who is Keyser Soze? He’s in charge of Story Corp. and he’s pulling all the strings.

Is there any hope for this movie? A little.

I’m excited to see how screenwriter Ehren Kruger will handle solo writing duties. He’s got a decent track record and has delivered character based, smart, inventive ideas before. But, then again, there’s a reason J.J. Abrams’ writing friends Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman are gone. I’d guess it had something to do with their good ideas being shot down by the director to favor action and nonsensical story developments to justify said robot fighting. They both currently work on Fox’s Fringe which is very well written and very character centered. Revenge of the Fallen probably paid the remaining mortgages on their homes so they decided that they had sold their souls for long enough.

And, yeah, I know there are a ton of “good” actors in this. But, come on, that really doesn’t mean anything. Good actors+bad story=well acted crap. It’s like if Sean Penn starred in The Room, wouldn’t make a difference, it’s the writing and directing ruin it.

So who is in this? Shia LaBeouf, Rosie Huntington-Whitely, Josh Duhamel, Hugo Weaving, John Malkovich - really!? Haha, wow, now I kinda want to see it to find out what roll he’ll have. No! That’s how Story Corp. gets you! Dammit! Patrick Dempsey, Tyrese, John Turturro and Frances McDormand?! That’s a decent list, but WHAT are they all going to be doing?

Collecting paychecks. Zing!

Look, I really hope and want this to be The Bourne Supremacy. I want this to be Return of the King. I pray this is like Toy Story 3. But, all signs point to Godfather III, Superman III and Spider-Man 3.

By comparison it will be great. Yeah, sure, better than the first two, but that’s like saying having Syphilis isn’t as bad as Herpes, at least you can cure it. Then again, maybe the Transformer series is more like Herpes, once you think the pain and irritation have gone away, once it seems like the focus is back to the characters the unpleasantness flares up again, it goes off track and loses it’s story focus.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon is a reflection of what’s wrong with Hollywood a.k.a. Story Corp. and by default, us, the audience - yes, we do have to account for our responsibility in fueling the machine.

Good Movie Lover Michael C. recently posted Aristotle’s six important elements to theater on my Facebook page which reminded me of writing guru Robert McKee’s exploration of Aristotle’s philosophy regarding story. The elements, when story is being told well, in order of importance are: 1) Action/Plot 2) Characters 3) Thoughts/Ideas 4) Language 5) Music/Song 6) Spectacle.

In the biofeedback symbiotic supply/demand relationship that is filmmaker and audience, producer and consumer, the movies influence our desire to go to the theater while our box office dollars influence the types of movies that are made. As successful movies are analyzed by studios so the profit can be controlled as much as possible, the factors that seem to be responsible for blockbuster returns are misunderstood in a Freakonomics kind of way, sort of like crediting a light bulb for electricity, and as a result, movies focus on the visual instead of the spiritual, on the spectacle instead of the character. Here’s an example.

Jaws is often credited as the movie that created Blockbuster mentality. It made CRAZY money during a time when $100 million box office seemed like fantasy. Applying Aristotle’s rules to Jaws the shark is the spectacle (6), the foreboding score by John Williams is the music (5), the dialog like “We’re gonna need a bigger boat,” is the language (4), the concept of a killer shark is the thought/idea (3), Brody, Quint and Hooper are the characters (2), the quest to stop the shark is the action/plot (1).

Now, when looking at what the audience remembers, loves and responds to when thinking about Jaws, it obvious that Aristotle’s rules AFFECT viewers in REVERSE! We always remember the special effects, the explosions, the genre spectacles. We then remember the score, the emotion generating music. Next up are the quotes, the one liners. Then the idea, character and lastly the overall story.

Here’s the Freakonomics part: While the affect is felt in reverse order, the creation of these elements MUST happen IN ORDER for it to be able to have that affect on the audience!

Building tension!

Did we see this in Skyline?

Scorponok’s mom is pissed! He’s past curfew, and in big trouble.

What’s does this mean? Why would it go dark? Shouldn’t this say, “Loses Power?” I mean, is THE EARTH “going dark” as in getting emo? Getting moody? Nothing has been set up in the first two films for this to make sense. Whatever, okay, I guess it means, “Get’s attacked by evil forces.” But the, isn’t that what happpened in the first two movies? The Decepticons attacked and their evil so hasn’t Earth been “going dark” since part 1?

Cool, we get a new nameless characterless Transformer Pterodactyl. Sure, sounds good. Does that mean the Dinobots are in this?

Pretty sure this shot is in every Transformers movie.

Pretty sure this shot is in every Transformers movie. And, hey, Megan Fox looks pretty good as a blond.

Wait a minute? Which one is Megan Fox? Oh, I get it, she’s a bootyformer- able to change shape!

Okay, this is pretty cool. Anytime Optimus gets UFC it’s always a good thing. Gotta love the jet pack. But is this a Toy Story steal? Optimus, to infinity and beyond!

HOLY-

F’n-

SH*T! That looks awesome!

Great way to end it. Boom, the title hits and we wonder, “What does that subtitle mean?” Whatever.

This film is not yet logical.

Wait, I can’t just see it in 2D? Why don’t they just say, “In real $15,” or “IPAY $20?”

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