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MOVIE MEDITATIONS
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Making Preview Reviews once a week isn’t enough when it comes to keeping track of what’s going on in the movie world.
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There’s only so much philosophy that can be explored in Pre-Res and I’ve been feeling the need to ponder the bigger ideas as movie news emerges, as technology advances, as the art from evolves and as our (the audience’s) tastes change.
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So let’s take a look around and see what’s going on and figure our what it means for our movie yesterdays, todays and tomorrows.
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THURS/FRIDAY, MAY 26/27TH - MOVIE MANNERS
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When did we forget how to act in public?
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For the last 50 years there’s been a slow movement from the business to casual but when did this journey from courteous to douchebaggery take place? Let’s place a big bet on “i” culture. One the ipod, iphone and “i” everything became chic, we started paying less attention to others. In relation to today’s subject, this attitude carries over into the movie theater.
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Blame television and home video for this. As soon as we could watch movies at home we conditioned ourselves to a new reflex - talk n’ watch.
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It human nature to be social and communicative when in the presence of others, especially when the lights are on...and when we can see each other...and are facing each other. But, in a movie theater it’s dark, everyone is facing straight ahead and there is an unwritten code of society that assumes we will think of others while in this shared space. Unfortunately, it’s an understanding and not a rule. And, when a behavior is reinforced, rewarded and integrated, it’s difficult to prevent it unless there’s active awareness devoted to the task.
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With that, I’m making visible the unspoken laws of movie theater viewing. So that we have no excuse for our behavior. So that we can’t plead ignorance. So that we assure everyone a satisfying movie going experience. Let’s start with the top 5, but first...
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Here’s a general guideline: When at the movie theater we should act as if we are in Church.
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#1 - Shut the F up.
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We all do our own version of director’s commentary and MST3K while watching movies at home with our loved ones. But understand that the theater is a public gathering place. It’s filled with strangers who will most likely never encounter each other again. We don’t know their attitude, beliefs or temperament. Some people like blah-blahing, others freak out if someone breathes to hard, there’s no guaranteed balance other than....silence. We’re paying for the movie, not someone’s interruptions.
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Why do we talk during the movie? If we think of a funny joke, let’s save it till later when we’re hanging out sharing memories of the movie. If we weren’t understanding the story then...we need more practice watching movies, figuring out how motion pictures reveal story and preview review information. Do research and decide if this is the type of movie that will be enjoyable. If we like comedies but for some reason decided to see Inception, it’s our fault for making that choice and it does not give us the right to ask our seemingly smarter friend, “What’s going on?” every 2 minutes.
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If there’s a preexisting conversation that hasn’t been resolved and it’s just itching to be scratched, then see the NEXT showing, go to a cafe, talk it out and come back when there’s nothing left to say. Yes, there are moments when aspects of the movies mirror our situation and we want to communicate the coincidence. That’s when a glance, a facial expression or a touch does. Be like the movies, communicate visually. Words are the least important element here.
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What about whispering? Okay, fine, everyone gets 5 whispers (per person). Yes, ONLY 5, cause it’s equally distracting to constantly see heads moving back and forth KNOWING that a constant conversation is taking place. Sometimes it’s even worse because everyone starts to think, “What are they talking about?” Interrupting the emotional experience of the film by igniting our thoughts is just as distracting as assaulting our ears. That’s it, 5 whispers each, use them wisely...or, preferably, not at all.
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#2 - Turn the phone off.
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It’s so F’n simple. Power the phone down. Or, how about sending out the following mass text, “Will be at the movies between 7-9pm, don’t call me bitches!”
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If there’s a phone call expected, if there’s a family crisis going on, if little Mary needs a drug intervention but for some reason there’s enough time to catch the newest release in between - DON’T!
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Until the late 90s civilization did just fine not having immediate access to instantaneous long distance communication. Most of our lives are not demanding or dramatic enough to warrant owning a cell phone, but hey, everyone is doing it, so that means everyone else needs to join the radiation brain cancer noise pollution party.
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There’s no reason a phone should be ringing during a movie other than 1) someone honestly forgot to turn it off or activate silent/vibrate mode or 2) someone doesn’t give a shiz about everyone else in the theater.
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In the case of the second, movie theaters need to install a pause button that the usher, who babysits the audience, can activate, stopping the movie so important communication may be engaged and concluded, the restarted so that nothing will be missed.
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And, really, who ANSWERS their phone during a movie?!? The correct action is to turn it off, sell everyone else on the excuse that it was a case of forgetfulness, then offer to buy everyone popcorn. And no, answering to tell the caller, “I’m in the theater, I’ll call you back,” is not a good reason to be an A-hole. Let’s recommend that the usher have another button at his or her control that sends an electric shock into the chair of the offending party.
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The only patrons who have exceptions to this are The President and Chuck Norris. Everyone else - turn the F’n phone off!
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#3 - No babies.
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I don’t care how great the baby is. How quiet they are at home. How soundly they sleep through the night. How mature they are for their age. There is no reason to bring a baby into a movie theater. Of course parents need a break from the supreme responsibility of raising a productive and stable member of society, but that means getting an F’n babysitter. Because a movie theater is 1) dark 2) loud and 3) filled with strangers the baby will cry.
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If the idea is to make the baby feel like they’re in a womb/hotel, then mission accomplished! If the idea is to make everyone in the theater feel like they’re at home with the baby, then mission accomplished! If the idea is to ruin the movie for everyone, then, thanks a lot!
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Here’s the thing: there’s NO upside to taking a baby to a movie theater.
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Yeah, the ticket price is cheaper than paying for 3 hours of babysitting, but the results aren’t worth it. First, everyone is gonna give dirty looks when they see that someone is bringing an F’n BABY into Final Destination 5! Second, as a parent the movie is not going to be enjoyable. Babies fidget, wake up, fall back asleep, sh*t, piss and oh, yeah - cry! They do it whenever they want so that means being at Defcon 1 the entire time. The baby needs to be rocked back and forth, then fed, then taken to the bathroom for a change, then walked around cause they like the feeling of the motion - the parent will see half the movie. They when they sit down, they’ll violate rule #1 and ask their partner, “What did I miss?”
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Answer: you missed your chance to enjoy movies in the theater for the next 2-4 years because you decided to bring a life into this world. Thank you for propagating the species, it’s a big responsibility...that should be done at home.
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#4 - Kids under 5 can only go to movies for kids under 5.
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Why? Because everyone else can CONTROL their movie destiny by CHOOSING to sit in a theater KNOWING there are children of that age bouncing against the walls with ADD fueled tornado chaos.
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If I pay for Toy Story 3, I’m expecting kids to be talking, throwing popcorn and disrupting the movie. That’s fine, I can accept that. Especially since, when it’s Pixar, the movies are so engaging that, thankfully, most kids are hypnotized the entire time.
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If I pay for Shutter Island or Kick-Ass, I’m NOT expecting a toddler to be in line at the ticket counter. Why is someone taking their 4-year old to The Hangover 2? Can we place a DCFS representative as the ticket taker? “Oh, I see you and little Timmy are going to see...Saw VII? Not anymore. Sir, you’re going to have to come with me, you just lost custody of your child.”
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Again, if there’s a strong desire to see Black Swan, get a F’n babysitter! There’s no upside to putting a child and the audience through such a traumatic experience. The child will not understand the movie, they’ll be traumatized by it and it will not “make them tough” or “prepare them for ‘real’ life.” The only thing that will happen will be glaring looks of disapproval from everyone else which will lead to a constant distracting thought in everyone’s head throughout the movie, “I can’t believe that little kid is watching this horrible A Nightmare on Elm Street remake.”
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Here’s a movie parenting rule: If it doesn’t have talking animals, don’t take kids to see it.
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#5 - Let people sit there/ask politely.
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I know strangers are horrible and scary. Sometimes they smell bad and when they’re not attractive, uh, we don’t want them sitting anywhere nearby.
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But, come on, if it’s a weekend night, a new movie, the theater is gonna be packed and latecomers are gonna notice that a we’ve designated a “coat seat” or have strategically sat so on each side there is a free space. What always happens is the man, on a date with his girl, will lean in and ask, “Could you move over one so we could sit together?”
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The correct response is, “Sure, no problem fellow movie lover. I’d b happy to ACT LIKE A HUMAN BEING!”
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A theater is not the Titanic, everyone has paid the same ticket price, and no one is trying to challenge our Alpha dominance by bullying us into moving.
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Yeah, we were there “first.” But, come on, we ALWAYS think, “I hope nobody asks us to move,” because we KNOW we’re doing the get-great-seats-and-have-our-personal-space-too-maneuver. We KNOW the chances are high that we will be asked, so WHY are we so shocked and offended when it happens?
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Make the room, create some positive Karma and remind each other there still is hope for humanity.
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On the flipside, the person asking for the seats should 1) smile 2) be genuine 3) understanding and 4) polite about making the request. Like the saying goes, “You get what you give.” Nothing is worse than having an A-hole ask to sit next to us. If that’s the energy going out, the coming in response will probably be, “I’m saving these seats for my friends. They went to get popcorn.” Of course the asker will pay attention to those seats for the first 15 minutes of the movie and think, “That A-hole lied to me!” Yes, yes they did, but what they really did was send A-hole energy back because it’s what they received.
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